When everything falls apart

This is going to be less structured than previous posts.

SKIP DOWN TO PARAGRAPH 6 TO GET THE MEAT OF WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH LOL.

It's not going to involve a lot of research. It's going to be me candidly expressing how life is going and how I'm handling it. As you can see by the title... It's not going well.

That being said, I had so many new years goals I wanted to accomplish. One of those things was that I was going to blog once per month--A REASONABLE GOAL, RIGHT?! (ONLY 12 TIMES PER YEAR!) WRONG. February is halfway over and I haven't successfully posted one of the many drafts that I have writer's block on. BUT this one was one I felt could go well. It's one that not only I will benefit from (because EXPRESSION), but maybe one of you reading!

You ever feel like you've just gotten into a groove that's not only manageable but FUN? I found that groove a few weeks ago. I just got a new job and it's a dream come true--I get to teach and play with children my favorite age (baby to 5) and interact with the parents; IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN. The hours are flexible and amazing. I have also developed a deeper love for my small group girls at church, whom I have been leading for a year and a half now. Figuring out Ben and doing life with him has been amazing. My best friends have been there for me through my busy schedule and love me unconditionally. My family is amazing (that can be left unsaid hehe). So everything is amazing, as you can see by all the amazings I threw in here.

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN

The enemy swoops in. The only analogy that comes to mind is: as a little girl plays innocently outside with all of her favorite things, the sun warming her skin, the fresh air breezing lazily by ... when WITHOUT WARNING, a massive and evil GIANT eagle/stork/vulture creature with red glowing eyes starts circling in the sky above her. She sees the danger and could be stressed about it but decides not to be because everything good in life is right in front of her. Then the bird, UNPROVOKED, starts swooping down on the girl---body bigger than her own, nipping at anything not covered in clothing. Fear strikes. Anger strikes. Confusion strikes. WHY ME. What does it want?? Am I going to survive?? EVERYTHING WAS FINE 5 SECONDS AGO. The only way she can defeat the bird is if her dad happens to glance out the window and see what's going on to save her.

WEIRDEST ANALOGY EVER, AMIRIGHT?? BUT I AM THAT LITTLE GIRL.

I've been told many times to take the "Hakuna Matata" approach (which happens to be my boyfriend's favorite phrase of all time). It's healthy. It's good. (To an extent.)

I have a weird pattern where I either don't want to do anything at all or I take on the whole world all at once. (It revolves around too much and/or too little Hakuna Matata mindset.)

Maybe you can relate with one of these.

Take on the entire world and feel yourself crumbling but take it anyway until your body LITERALLY SHUTS DOWN AND CATCHES THE FLU EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO BE SICK (me right now) (I forgot to worry just a little bit) (It's good to look out for yourself, ya know?? To an extent).

Take on the entire world without thinking it through, realize it's stupid to do so, back out, let a bunch of people down and come off as unreliable. (Too little Hakuna)

Not want to take on anything because you had just taken on so much and you deserve a break and you don't want to risk people being let down (but that in turn is letting people down). (Not enough Matata.)

I have been in every boat and it seems to be a cycle.

Candidly, this is me right now: I thought I was over my people pleasing days but those are very much present. I took on too many shifts at work, went the extra mile at church even thought I'm suffering through burnout, met with too many friends, neglected homework, abandoned most of my Jesus time, faked my entire way through the week, and ended up with THE FLU (of course) at the end of it, letting down virtually everyone. This (not being able to deliver) has become a fear of mine since my motivations are to please people all the time. It was actually an old fear/mindset that I got rid of that has just recently come back.

This has just now become a realization of mine. (Self awareness is always improving WOO!!)

I take the weight of the world on my own shoulders instead of realizing that Jesus already did that for me. I know this in my mind but I can't get it to my heart. ~~~I am literally writing this blog post more-so to help myself than anyone else.~~~ #PublicDiary!?!

Burn out is NOT. FUN. Taking on the world in the midst of it makes it EVEN. WORSE. Not knowing how to process all the things that come with these shortcomings is stressful (anyone else hate not knowing?? Holla!!)

I need God to glance out the window and save me from the evil giant eagle/stork/vulture creature with red glowing eyes. In fact, I'm sure He has and I waved Him off somehow. That always tends to be my problem.

As you can see, when everything falls apart, I do not handle it well. And when you're sick and hormonal (TMI sorry), it seems a million times worse. Something that God has been speaking to me lately is that He is Truth. Everything in my world is flying around my head in circles as fast as it can go just to mock me (while I can't think straight in the first place because illness) and God has to throw His hand in that whirlwind, smack me upside the head, and remind me that if I look to Him...it's not that bad. My overthinking of letting people down makes it a million times worse. My improper level of concern or worry for certain things (whether it's too high or too low) isn't helpful. I need to dive in to what God says is true and NOT base my success on other people. I'm disappointing people? Welp...Sorry. I gotta remember, I'm here to please God, not man. (GALATIANS 1:10!!) He will take care of me. He is cheering me on even when no one else is. He is forgiving, not condemning, and certainly helpful when I fall. So I'm very thankful that He is the one that makes it all okay when everything falls apart.