I WANT to be there

“For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

"You're the most antisocial social person I know." -Ben Palensky, 2019

I really hope every person reads this. Only a very small percentage of people will be able to actually relate to this (with almost any type of chronic illness or pain), but almost everyone I've ever come in contact with will have seen this habit from me in the past, and present.

If you know about my life, you know I have endometriosis. It's quite common; one in eight women have it.

Before I started having symptoms, I was always looking for hang outs to go to. I took advantage of every social gathering. I had so much fun with people. Then suddenly, gradual changes in my energy levels confused me. I had to re-diagnose myself as an introvert. I guess I don't like being around people as much. I'm drained every time I step foot outside. Getting out of bed is the ultimate struggle.

Slowly but surely, the complications have crescendoed. There has been an incline in issues.

My favorite place on Earth, Vala's? Not even worth it.

Worlds of Fun? More like Worlds of Pain. (Praise God for a boyfriend who will comfort you and be okay with leaving early UGH)

CHURCH, PART OF MY LIFE-LINE, THE ULTIMATE SOUL REFILL? Draining.

Canceling fun plans, canceling JOBS, canceling life-giving events because I can't even feel alive enough to GO?

And you can't even see my symptoms.

People have said "You don't even want to be here." SO MANY TIMES. I can't even count how many times. And that's one of the most hurtful sentences. I, in fact, DO want to be here. I want to go to everything. I want to commit to things without fear. I want to be all in. I want to be remembered as someone who filled needs, was a breath of fresh air to hang out with, changed the atmosphere of the room positively.

Unfortunately, it's the opposite a lot of the time. While the desire is there, the energy is not. The pain is there instead. Body aches that are comparable to feeling like the flu are my life. BUT LUCKILY--GOD IS SO GOOD.

God knows my desires. He knows how to work through me despite these issues. Sometimes when I'm sitting off to the side, curled into a little ball of anti-socialness, that's when I get to talk to the quiet person I wouldn't have otherwise. That's when I can be perceptive, read the room. It gives me time to self-reflect.

My boyfriend's statement was very right. I am an antisocial social person. Not because I don't want to be at things, I VERY MUCH DO. I just don't know how. I can't. I have to take more time for myself than the average person.

THANK YOU, JESUS for looking at my heart. Thank you for not looking at my setbacks. People may try to look at my outward appearance and ask why I'm so unmotivated or why I'm so lazy. You won't be able to tell why I'm draggy from the outside. I know, God knows, science knows why this is happening.

Next time you try to assess another person's situation for them, take the time to think about what their internal battle may be.